Not Just For Words

     I have felt so wonderful lately. Almost superhuman. I look around and see so many people who just don't give a shit, as they drink their beers, let their bellies grow as a stand for their beer, watch football and Goldrush and yell out random obscenities.
     Eh, that's a bit harsh.
It just seem like most people get into their cliques as a group or individual and don't branch out. Like a girl that's beautiful and because of that, doesn't bother working toward things like common sense skills, or various other skills.. at all. Maybe apply make-up. People fit into their cultured stereotypes and pretty much stay there for the most part.
     Then there are the few people that don't stick to easy routes, and challenge themselves with classes and workouts, and goals outside of their comfort zones.
   
     I'm going to be really arrogant and brag right now. I feel really strong lately. I don't think i look very much stronger, but working out at the Y has made me really.. toned.
I feel much more attractive too! Huge for me, i usually don't have a lot of that self-esteem stuff. My jaw has become very bold, and sharp. My eyes have gotten darker, and my eyebrows hover above them at just the right height. My hair has taken this bizarre mold when i wake up,. and i'm really starting to like the look. My skin is softer, my energy is through the roof. Thoughts are completed, sentences seem much more fluent. I have the witticisms about me that are much more refined, possibly adorable?
     I get to teach science to kids at such a young age, i get to further my studies in chemistry. I even get to train all volunteers how to present themselves at a demonstrations, and teach the demos  themselves. I just feel intelligent. And i am.
It surprises me how little people know about everyday things even.
      I'm toying with ideas about the universe, putting logics together. Finding my true self through all of this. What i want out of life, accepting what it can give me. Learning how to love and tolerate.
   

    *Deep sigh* I just feel good. You know?

Im going to go to Butler soon. Possibly WSU if the engineering professor can get me a fews scholarships.
I just ate some vegan food. Not really my thing, but was completely impressed by how it not only tasted, but made me feel. Really good food. Really good.

- Realistic future: Go to college, become a biochemist
- Dream: Fight in the UFC and become a computer tech on the side

     Hmph.

I bought a ton of muscle builder powder, i hope i don't die. That stuff is nasty. Steroids are always an option  though...

      I also have to say, it's good to have my friend back. A part of my heart has become content. He's such a good guy, and i missed having a friend that wasn't a girl who wanted in my pants all the time.

      God is also a part of me know. I missed that as well. I was gone for awhile there..
And he has huge plans for the rebuilding of my heart.

      Ah. Im just. Good.

Have a wonderful rest of the day world, feel good too.

XXL Chalupa

The more i learn about the logic of love, the more it upsets me. I have found too many theories that make since in only so many perspectives.
I want to find the algorithm for human love. The full generic feelings of humans, and the reasons they happen. Not just logic for each set of principles and beliefs. I know it's out there. 

I have some theories of my own too. One is mathematical, dealing with calculus and emotions.

Think of the most simple sum of numbers - Example: A + B = C - Now apply that to any basic situation.
Example: Girl adores boy + Boy that adores said girl = Relationship.
A is in relation with Girl/ B in relation with Boy/ C equals the ending product of the two.

Think of a different perspective as you look at the logic of calculus and apply statistically accurate, emotions. Like what would happen if boy liked a different girl? Could we actually use entropy to predict the relationship and product of the three persons?
Take a more intricate turn on this logic. What would happen outside of the more common situations. Not necessarily statistical either, but perhaps an inner problem. What if you take the pride of man and how far it will go to let him go before trouble comes from it.
Such as building a wall between how much he will sacrifice in order to find love, compromising to be with a women that will emotionally "fill" him, and pride that shows his "manliness", possibly a harden heart to attract respect and give himself a sense of self worth.
Will his pride carry his state of contentment further than this said woman? Can you predict this with a series of formulas using calculus?
I believe you can.
And i believe you can use different formulas to predict or simple understand our hearts in a very technical way.

Some say this takes away the mystery, and thus taking away passion. But we know how flowers bloom, i still think it's beautiful.

Maybe this is stupid. But hey, at least it's not football.

Number Cruncher

I can't believe how fortunate i am. You are beautiful. So absolutely stunning.
And that's just your heart. Don't even get me started on your actual physical beauty, or the way you are after 56 kit-kats and a full throttle.
Lovely.
You had better get used to compliments.

You know God, i think Satan has done a fine job centering my mind with analytically thinking through Life. Logical, analytic thinking has always been something i find my gratification in. I'm finding however, to much of it is not a good thing. My mind twists and bends feelings, passions, even love into a mathematical problem. "If i add (problem) A with (solution) B then the sum will eventually equal out to (opportunity) C"
Decisions has taken this sort of allegoric turn. Always precise, always right and calculated. I will think like this the rest of my life, i hope, however my feelings have been suppressed by this thinking. Like i can't have a freeing outlook, or "feel" an experience. It's a math problem, or a decision based on highly thought out calculation.
I am "Feeling" you lately Lord, and it is wonderful. Just to feel with no reason or care.

Another problem with this, is that no one get's my jokes. Or I'm honestly not that funny anymore. I don't have many funny stories, or the most humorous quick wit. They have all been replaced with new formulas of thinking. Eh, i'll get it back.
I think i just need Psych to come back on. Or someone to pick up arrested development for another season to get my laugh train back on track.
Toot, toot, bitches.
.. See. That's not very funny.

Anyways, i'm pretty stoked to go to sleep



      

Commercialized

It's taken me awhile to get back to you.
God, i remember the beauty, and the reasons. The way i was. I remembered you when i remembered how i used to have the gift of seeing the uniqueness and love in each person. Why it takes you to take in their heart, i don't know. It does though.
Your love makes since to me. Science doesn't answer the why questions for me, the reason for the chemicals connecting and reacting in my brain are explained only from that, not why. Not why they were instilled in the first place. The idea's of beauty, sacrifice, anger even love are beyond the how's of science. Science is still there, very prominent in my life. Maybe even more so. I love it, and in my love for it, i see a reason for it's brilliance.
I have purpose. Some call it weakness, some hold on to it like their last grasp onto life. I don't know which category i place my purpose in, but i see passion in it. I see the authentic reasons to be kind, to be courteous, to hold back on assumptions and judgment and love.
You give me a freedom that is so unique from any other "freedoms" i've experienced in the past few months.

They said if i traded in my morals for pleasure it would set me free. It did. And then i needed more freedom. I realized after the first freedom wasn't enough, that the hole would still be there. Your freedom is much more rewarding, but it does have a price. That price is to act out of selflessness, not self addiction. Which, i have to admit, is fucking hard.
It's funny though.. I feel much better with life. I feel like asking why questions instead of how's gives me a very natural feel. Like i'm connecting to something.
I got really into the how's. "How do i manipulate this girl?" "How do i get what i want this time?" "How do i feel more free than the last 'freeing' thing?"
But they don't matter.
I just get sent into a spiral that circles around my wants. And are never completely met.

I still feel so damn foolish loving you. But it's more like i'm feeling foolish for giving in to loving the version of you that the Mega-Churches portray, and the judgmental conservatives, and the God that the girl, sneering every time I swear, believes and constantly want's to convert me to.
The hundreds of families with a mom driving her kids to football practice and dance class, while the father works at his cubicle and plays golf with the rich friends that only make him feel accomplished. Back to their two story home with perfect grass and three modern cars in their 5 compartment garage. The God that matters only when their appearance is at stake.
I hate the commercial God. Bitterness creeps throughout my veins as it's talked about. The one that you praise when you get a sale on salmon, or a parking space closest to the Warren, or heals the first twin when the other is still suffering.
No. No, that God isn't connecting. I don't feel that God when i see a sunrise, feel a breeze or see a smile. No, i'm finding the version of You that feels honest. That affects my spirit when i live selfishly and hurt the hell out of others for my own gain. Gain that gives happiness for only a temporary lapse. The version that gives me hope for a strength to love people i can't stand. God, you give me substance. You give this make up of atoms a reason. My flesh feels human, and my heart feels content.
I'm still partially guarded however, to make sure you're not just another version.

Still, i'm content.

Youngness-ness.

 I realize there is a double emphasis on "ness". Calm down grammer nazis, it may not be grammatically correct, but does serve a purpose.
I've been dealing with whether i should believe in some type of God or not. Through this i have become bitter with the Christian God, Christians, Atheists, parents, flower shops, my brother - i think you get the point. My soul has been going through a very ugly stage. I see the youth form how stupid i've been.
Break down? Hokay.
I am in my mid 17's. Which for every parents, ever, is a quite horrifying thought. One that brings courage to let their child grow and become what he/she feels. That also means test of character, which for almost every teen means, PARTIES! Becoming an individual, figuring out our want's, need's, cravings, addictions, love's are, so yeah - individualism.
I think we all have a pretty good idea of our want to "break free" and experience things for our damn hearts. I think i went a bit further than that. I have come to a decision. And that is that our world consists on whether we mean everything or nothing, and from that; Either everything matters, or nothing does. Things seem to matter only with a deity, since we are all so broken and hopeless.
That's a bit bold of a statement, i know. I might explain it at another time if it sticks.
Anyways, my greed and selfishness got the best of me. From a rebellious teen perspective, i don't care a ton. Why should i? It is all about me. And i don't matter.
         I'm drinking some wonderful coffee at the donut hole right now, listening to Freelance Whales and studying the chemo-autotrophic bacteria that dwells in tubeworms, for work. It's not so bad really, i enjoy it. Im dressed up quite nice tonight. It gives me the weird sense of confidence i usually lack. I'd say im not to bad looking, i could exaggerate this compliment and say i face a very marine, tough jawline. I got lucky.
   When i think about it, i got pretty lucky.
Maybe God's moving in my bloodstream after all.

I don't get it, God's my foundation. I've built my moral compass, my passion, love, and objectiveness off of the logic and deep seated feeling that God has given me. And without God, i do alright. But in circles it seems to average out. I mean, at one point in the very first start i do pretty good loving people without God. I still have compassion, and a want to care for others. Then the second stage is usually justifying my lack of care, which slowly builds into the stage where i hold a few close and passionately care for them.. which.. quickly became a way to get what i wanted. Then i'd feel convicted somehow, tell myself i don't need God. And then end up trying for the first stage again. Which usually is a bit less caring the first time, and the next.. and the next.

Anyways, im going to "study" some more. Or facebook.
Ha. facebook.