Youngness-ness.

 I realize there is a double emphasis on "ness". Calm down grammer nazis, it may not be grammatically correct, but does serve a purpose.
I've been dealing with whether i should believe in some type of God or not. Through this i have become bitter with the Christian God, Christians, Atheists, parents, flower shops, my brother - i think you get the point. My soul has been going through a very ugly stage. I see the youth form how stupid i've been.
Break down? Hokay.
I am in my mid 17's. Which for every parents, ever, is a quite horrifying thought. One that brings courage to let their child grow and become what he/she feels. That also means test of character, which for almost every teen means, PARTIES! Becoming an individual, figuring out our want's, need's, cravings, addictions, love's are, so yeah - individualism.
I think we all have a pretty good idea of our want to "break free" and experience things for our damn hearts. I think i went a bit further than that. I have come to a decision. And that is that our world consists on whether we mean everything or nothing, and from that; Either everything matters, or nothing does. Things seem to matter only with a deity, since we are all so broken and hopeless.
That's a bit bold of a statement, i know. I might explain it at another time if it sticks.
Anyways, my greed and selfishness got the best of me. From a rebellious teen perspective, i don't care a ton. Why should i? It is all about me. And i don't matter.
         I'm drinking some wonderful coffee at the donut hole right now, listening to Freelance Whales and studying the chemo-autotrophic bacteria that dwells in tubeworms, for work. It's not so bad really, i enjoy it. Im dressed up quite nice tonight. It gives me the weird sense of confidence i usually lack. I'd say im not to bad looking, i could exaggerate this compliment and say i face a very marine, tough jawline. I got lucky.
   When i think about it, i got pretty lucky.
Maybe God's moving in my bloodstream after all.

I don't get it, God's my foundation. I've built my moral compass, my passion, love, and objectiveness off of the logic and deep seated feeling that God has given me. And without God, i do alright. But in circles it seems to average out. I mean, at one point in the very first start i do pretty good loving people without God. I still have compassion, and a want to care for others. Then the second stage is usually justifying my lack of care, which slowly builds into the stage where i hold a few close and passionately care for them.. which.. quickly became a way to get what i wanted. Then i'd feel convicted somehow, tell myself i don't need God. And then end up trying for the first stage again. Which usually is a bit less caring the first time, and the next.. and the next.

Anyways, im going to "study" some more. Or facebook.
Ha. facebook.