Commercialized

It's taken me awhile to get back to you.
God, i remember the beauty, and the reasons. The way i was. I remembered you when i remembered how i used to have the gift of seeing the uniqueness and love in each person. Why it takes you to take in their heart, i don't know. It does though.
Your love makes since to me. Science doesn't answer the why questions for me, the reason for the chemicals connecting and reacting in my brain are explained only from that, not why. Not why they were instilled in the first place. The idea's of beauty, sacrifice, anger even love are beyond the how's of science. Science is still there, very prominent in my life. Maybe even more so. I love it, and in my love for it, i see a reason for it's brilliance.
I have purpose. Some call it weakness, some hold on to it like their last grasp onto life. I don't know which category i place my purpose in, but i see passion in it. I see the authentic reasons to be kind, to be courteous, to hold back on assumptions and judgment and love.
You give me a freedom that is so unique from any other "freedoms" i've experienced in the past few months.

They said if i traded in my morals for pleasure it would set me free. It did. And then i needed more freedom. I realized after the first freedom wasn't enough, that the hole would still be there. Your freedom is much more rewarding, but it does have a price. That price is to act out of selflessness, not self addiction. Which, i have to admit, is fucking hard.
It's funny though.. I feel much better with life. I feel like asking why questions instead of how's gives me a very natural feel. Like i'm connecting to something.
I got really into the how's. "How do i manipulate this girl?" "How do i get what i want this time?" "How do i feel more free than the last 'freeing' thing?"
But they don't matter.
I just get sent into a spiral that circles around my wants. And are never completely met.

I still feel so damn foolish loving you. But it's more like i'm feeling foolish for giving in to loving the version of you that the Mega-Churches portray, and the judgmental conservatives, and the God that the girl, sneering every time I swear, believes and constantly want's to convert me to.
The hundreds of families with a mom driving her kids to football practice and dance class, while the father works at his cubicle and plays golf with the rich friends that only make him feel accomplished. Back to their two story home with perfect grass and three modern cars in their 5 compartment garage. The God that matters only when their appearance is at stake.
I hate the commercial God. Bitterness creeps throughout my veins as it's talked about. The one that you praise when you get a sale on salmon, or a parking space closest to the Warren, or heals the first twin when the other is still suffering.
No. No, that God isn't connecting. I don't feel that God when i see a sunrise, feel a breeze or see a smile. No, i'm finding the version of You that feels honest. That affects my spirit when i live selfishly and hurt the hell out of others for my own gain. Gain that gives happiness for only a temporary lapse. The version that gives me hope for a strength to love people i can't stand. God, you give me substance. You give this make up of atoms a reason. My flesh feels human, and my heart feels content.
I'm still partially guarded however, to make sure you're not just another version.

Still, i'm content.

Youngness-ness.

 I realize there is a double emphasis on "ness". Calm down grammer nazis, it may not be grammatically correct, but does serve a purpose.
I've been dealing with whether i should believe in some type of God or not. Through this i have become bitter with the Christian God, Christians, Atheists, parents, flower shops, my brother - i think you get the point. My soul has been going through a very ugly stage. I see the youth form how stupid i've been.
Break down? Hokay.
I am in my mid 17's. Which for every parents, ever, is a quite horrifying thought. One that brings courage to let their child grow and become what he/she feels. That also means test of character, which for almost every teen means, PARTIES! Becoming an individual, figuring out our want's, need's, cravings, addictions, love's are, so yeah - individualism.
I think we all have a pretty good idea of our want to "break free" and experience things for our damn hearts. I think i went a bit further than that. I have come to a decision. And that is that our world consists on whether we mean everything or nothing, and from that; Either everything matters, or nothing does. Things seem to matter only with a deity, since we are all so broken and hopeless.
That's a bit bold of a statement, i know. I might explain it at another time if it sticks.
Anyways, my greed and selfishness got the best of me. From a rebellious teen perspective, i don't care a ton. Why should i? It is all about me. And i don't matter.
         I'm drinking some wonderful coffee at the donut hole right now, listening to Freelance Whales and studying the chemo-autotrophic bacteria that dwells in tubeworms, for work. It's not so bad really, i enjoy it. Im dressed up quite nice tonight. It gives me the weird sense of confidence i usually lack. I'd say im not to bad looking, i could exaggerate this compliment and say i face a very marine, tough jawline. I got lucky.
   When i think about it, i got pretty lucky.
Maybe God's moving in my bloodstream after all.

I don't get it, God's my foundation. I've built my moral compass, my passion, love, and objectiveness off of the logic and deep seated feeling that God has given me. And without God, i do alright. But in circles it seems to average out. I mean, at one point in the very first start i do pretty good loving people without God. I still have compassion, and a want to care for others. Then the second stage is usually justifying my lack of care, which slowly builds into the stage where i hold a few close and passionately care for them.. which.. quickly became a way to get what i wanted. Then i'd feel convicted somehow, tell myself i don't need God. And then end up trying for the first stage again. Which usually is a bit less caring the first time, and the next.. and the next.

Anyways, im going to "study" some more. Or facebook.
Ha. facebook.